...I've been trained to make beats that would make a billy goat puke.


Photoshop Jamzzzz

Click on picture for maximum jamz!



Dissapointing Translations.

So I'm sitting there, thinking about Charmin Ultrasoft bathroom tissue, when I get a revelation.
We've all heard about Rico Suave, the young latino gentleman who makes bold claims about being so good with the ladies. For example, he declares, "Mi apariencia es dura, vivo en la locura," or "My appearance is hard, I live in the madness." Let's look a little deeper into this Rico Suave character.
At first when you hear something like "Rico Suave," you think "DAMN this kid is pretty good at getting ladies to make out with him!" However, when we translate his name, we get the following:
Richard Soft.
That's not exactly the sexiest name on Earth.
This isn't the end of the road though, there's much more.
To avoid a bad translation, we have also to look at Spanish grammar. In English, an adjective commonly appears before a noun, but this process is reversed in Spanish. Assuming "Suave" isn't Rico's last name, but an adjective describing Rico, we arrive at a new translation:
Soft Richard.
I've saved the best part for last. The Spanish name "Rico" is actually a nickname for "Ricardo." So if we extrapolate that information and apply it to our English we get this ladykiller:
Soft Dick.
I'll let you think about this.

The Bard's Quest

Chapter One: The Dark Ages
Our story begins but one year ago, when I purchased a quick black steed. This chariot of pure awesome was a super badass hatchback with unlimited potential for speeding tickets. I was so psyched, there was even a button to push to make the lights go BSSHHH up and SHHHHB down. They called it a Nissan 240 SX, I called it the Batmobile.
Love was afoot in Richmond. What a freakin awesome car. But hark! DISASTER. The speakers were totally f'ed in the a. They would only work if the windows were down, and even then it was up to chance. What a jerk car.
Chapter Two: Exodus
I was going on a long road trip, so I figured the car should be in awesome shape. I got the oil changed and put some air in the tires, but most importantly (since it was the summer), I had the A/C fixed. I set out on my journey and behold! Vexed am I to realize the dilemma: If I turn the A/C on (mandatory for summer trips), I need to roll up the windows, yet if I do this, the tunes (also mandatory for summer trips) will cease. Surely the gods had set a curse upon my journey from the start!
Chapter Three: The Abyss
Then came fall and winter, the coldest (fact) seasons all year. I could weather the cold on occasion, but even when I would roll the windows down, rarely would the speakers work. Entropy had set foot into my stereo and had sabotaged my joy of listening.
With the situation growing worse, I would regularly go without music. Sometimes I would resort to singing in the car, usually horribly, usually way, WAY too loud. My car, my beautiful sexy car, had become a coffin, where hopes and dreams were laid to rest.
Chapter Four: Resurrection
Of course I could not stand by and let myself fall into insanity. I finally sprang into action! Buying a soldering iron and some electrical tape from Radio Shack, I head home to repair the silenced cones that once were fountains of ethereal vibrations.
I've always known I was horrible at soldering. This fact was revealed to me years ago in college when I attempted to make my own patch bay. After several years, I'm no better. Trying to affix the speaker wire to the speaker, I somehow managed to burn myself with the iron like eight times. My mind just doesn't register "don't grab the metal burny part of the soldering iron."
Giving up on the soldering, I instead strip the wire that had been oxidized by the speaker's magnetic driver (yes I am making all of this up), reattach it to freshly cleaned connecty things, and rewired the speakers to the car, being very liberal with the use of electrical tape.

VICTORY! I am now able to listen to music at any volume with windows up, down, halfway, etc.!
I am so psyched now. Plus I totally accomplished something. Take that entropy, vile as you are, you will never crush my spirit!


Dear God:

Why did it smell like maple syrup outside this morning?


Vegans skip this one.

So like I stated in a previous post I run around in a truck all day giving people blueprints. This requires LOTS OF GAS, so my employer set me up with a Sheetz gas card. This means I am constantly going to Sheetz. What I just said has little bearing to what I am about to show you.
So the other day I am pumping gas into the work truck when I spy a pretty blue crate. "I am really wondering what is in this crate," I ponder aloud. Upon basic inspection I discover that SOMEONE HAS LEFT THEIR CRATE OF VARIOUS MEATS AT THE GAS PUMP. It was sooooo gross, and you'll notice the picture was taken at a distance...not just because of the smell, but I didn't want to look like a total FREAK for taking pictures of rotten meat way up close.

It's days like this that just get me so psyched up to go to work everyday.

Thanks America.


House of the Rising Bum

For some reason, I was looking up lots of different versions of that famous song, and I found some pretty good ones!

This one starts off pretty lame, but when the vibe hits...BOH BOH BOH

HOLY SHIT WOW. Drummer steals the show.

These guys are kinda the most awesome thing I've ever seen in a way. I wish I were in their band really hard.

This is one of my favorite versions of the song. I'm a fuzz sucker I think.

Really didn't expect this from Duran Duran, but this version isn't bad at all, it's actually kinda badass. Kinda.

This one....this one...A lot of poor boys have trouble with the house, this one comes as NO SURPRISE.

This is just here because it has to be. I think (correct me please) that this is the first RECORDED version of the song.



Every once in a while I get the urge to move back down to Westover Hills and have an extremely lucrative business doing something I love and only listen to alternative rock from the early to mid nineties. That's what I think everyone else is doing over there anyways.



So I make a living driving blueprints around. This means I am constantly surrounded by rednecks who REALLY think that their job is important. Don't get me wrong, their job is immensely important. Everyone knows we need another Walmart in town.
Where the hilarity comes in is the point where these guys are in charge of this important job. Take today for example. I just got half an hour overtime because of two customers who ABSOLUTELY needed their plans before the end of the day. Totally understandable request, considering sometimes these guys are on really strict deadlines, but here are the two things that happened:
  • The last delivery I made was about 25 miles outside of town. These people live in an enormous house and I guess because of that, they feel like they need to be really pushy. So I get their plans to their huge tacky lame house, and no one is even home. Enjoy your plans that couldn't wait until tomorrow while you're out and about probably doing something totally non productive with your rich money friends!
  • This one, while totally ridiculous, was actually kind of sweet. Earlier, a customer TOTALLY needed plans in a hard way. So I get there, and I go inside. No secretary. No prob, I go "WASSUP YOUR PLANS R HERE." No response. Time to investigate. I walk back into the offices, and no one is around. I go into one office and there's this huge awesome fat dude asleep with a cigarette in his mouth. WOW Y'ALL ARE REALLY INTENSELY IN NEED OF THESE PLANS. He wakes up and tells me to just throw the plans on the table in the other room. Nice move.


Attention Richmond Warchalkers!*

Hey, no need to look like an idiot drawing babble on people's apartment complexes!

Tired of the rain erasing all your hard work? Why not just use this badass spreadsheet/form combo I made to keep track of wireless hotspots in Richmond!

Check out the spreadsheet here, complete with a Google Maps gadget that updates when more locations are added:
Badass spreadsheet and map!
And if you know of any hotspots with free wireless internet, use my form to submit one:
Super convenient form!

Before you go, you might want to check out this sexy link:
Warchalking and Wardriving: Law and Ethics

*(To quote wikipedia; "Warchalking is the drawing of symbols in public places to advertise an open Wi-Fi wireless network.")

Blog, the first. New music stuff!

So most people who know me know that most of my spare change goes toward an abysmal black hole I like to call my "music hobby."
Just recently I dropped some dough on some meaty purchases.

First Purchase!
Since I got rid of my M-Audio 410's, I've been stranded from making some quality recordings. I got a little Tascam Audio Interface, but it really just didn't cut the butter. I'm probably going to keep it for on-the-go laptop production, but a few weeks ago I spied a sexy MOTU Ultralite on sale at Guitar Center. It was used, and a little scuffed up on the casing, but I'm not shallow like that. I bought it and was downloading drivers for it when I realized I was charged for a used Ultralite MKIII. So I go back to the store, and got $100 refunded back to me.
The Ultralite works amazingly. It's like having the old 410's back except it sounds way better, has more in's and out's, has a much better software GUI, and the ASIO driver includes MONO ins and outs along with Stereo (the 410 only let me record in stereo, which was obnoxious when recording a guitar, vocal, monosynth, etc. track).
I've even hooked it all up into my mixer and patch bay, everything is sexin' to go.

(the box in question is the scary/sexy black thing with the green LCD screen in the lower left hand corner!)

Second Purchase!
Last Saturday, me and Curtis went down to Guitar Center (yes, my blog is just an advert for GC) and talked to some cool guys over there about some electronic drums we've been looking at for the past month or two. They hooked us up on a decent price for the set and we went half-and-half on it. We got the set (a Yamaha DTXplorer), a Pedal, and sticks for $70 less than the set costs.
It was really painless setting it up, and I even interfaced it with my old Electribe ES-1 sampler (so we can load our own samples) and the rest of my MIDI gear. It was a huge pain in the ass, because for some reason Yamaha thought it would be funny if, instead of labeling the MIDI chart note data as "A#5," they would just say "note 42." This leads me to believe that drummers just read notes that way. One sits down at a piano, and plays his composition: "23, 35, 23, 27, 26." Of course, after each note they have to go back to "note 1" and count up to the next one.
Now, a lot of people might think "Will, you're such a choad for getting an electronic set!" Yeah, so what? Here's why:
1) I make electronic music. Now I can play drums for an hour, record all the MIDI data, and chop shop all the parts I like into a badass track. It can be sped up, interchange sounds, etc. ad absurdum. Total possibilities.
2) We live in an old folks home. Well, a retirement community. Real drums are TOTALLY out of the window, so we decided to get an electronic set. This is ironic because seconds after we got it set up we have angry neighbors knocking on our door. It's 10PM, totally understandable. But the next day while practicing same dude comes up and tells us that it's so loud that the pictures on his walls are rattling. I told Curtis that our floor must be made out of tiny microphones, the insulation is really just a cascade of Amplifiers, and our downstairs neighbor's ceiling is just made out of subwoofers. This has led us to seek Exodus and the B.Ultra&Basic beat machine may be moving to the spare room at my mom's.
So that's pretty much where my money is. I've been eating bologna and cheese sandwiches for five days now and the taste just isn't going away.